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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29823135">Change my Mind</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/no_clue_who/pseuds/no_clue_who'>no_clue_who</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>hurt!sos [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>5 Seconds of Summer (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Luke and Ashton are referenced briefly, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, cal bud im sorry, he scratches at his arms and pulls his hair a lot, i just write hurt, so big warning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:09:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,602</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29823135</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/no_clue_who/pseuds/no_clue_who</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum looked at his unruly curls, the mop on his head. How they never looked good when he tried to style them. How Ashton and Luke's advice for curls never worked on his hair. How he would rather his hair be straight like Mike's. How he would rather never let his hair get curly ever again. </p><p>He just hates how he looks with them, it makes him look weird and awful. He wants to look good.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Michael Clifford/Calum Hood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>hurt!sos [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2197542</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Change my Mind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Its Calum's turn to get hurt by me. I'm so sorry Cal, I love you and your curls. </p><p>Also this does describe a panic attack, the way I have panic attacks and how I used to ground myself. Please watch out for this because it can be triggering!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Calum looked at his unruly curls, the mop on his head. How they never looked good when he tried to style them. How Ashton and Luke's advice for curls never worked on his hair. How he would rather his hair be straight like Mike's. How he would rather never let his hair get curly ever again. </p><p>He just hates how he looks with them, it makes him look weird and awful. He wants to look good. </p><p>Calum runs his hands through them, pulling on them to try and see if they'll straighten out. The hair in his hands falls back into the messy curls on his head. Useless to try it over and over. </p><p>He looked away from himself, if he keeps looking at himself he'll pick out more things he hates about himself. And he doesn't need to go down that path ever again. </p><p>Running his hands through his hair once more, he grabs a beanie and puts it on, trying to mask the messy curls. He just wants to look good for once. </p><p>"Cal, are you ready?" Michael asks from the otherside of the closet door, "We have to go soon, LA traffic and all of that." </p><p>Calum forgot they were going out to meet with Ashton and Luke for album stuff, to work. He was supposed to see his friends when he looked like this? Like a complete mess?</p><p>"Mike, babe, what time are we supposed to meet with them?" Calum started to panic, he didn't look good enough. </p><p>"In about 30 minutes, why?" Michael said, walking around there bedroom, "We wanted to do it in a nice place where fans probably won't be." </p><p>All Calums brain latched onto was a nice place. A nice place, where everyone would be dressed in decent clothing and no beanies would be allowed. Where he would have to have his curls out and he would look like a complete mess. </p><p>He started breathing heavily, the panic of being seen like this was setting in. He couldn't let Mike or the guys see him like this, he looked awful. He always looked awful, fuck.</p><p>Luke always looks put together, his hair never messy like Calum's. Ashton always looks better than before, his style always evolving and he can actually take care of his hair. And Michael, the love of his life who could have anyone he wants but settled on him, who looks perfect all of the time. Who never had to try to take Calum's breath away, who always looked perfect. And then there's Calum, who can make his hair look right so he's panicking. </p><p>His breathing started getting choppy and uneven, he couldn't stop the panicked thoughts he was having, how his insecurities were flying through his head. How he was too tall, how his skin looked, how he looked in general. </p><p>Calum grabbed at the beanie, ripping it off his head so he could pull at his hair. Pulling it tight, nearly ripping it out. He was trying to ground himself but it just kept getting worse. Calum felt his eyes start to water, tears flowing down his face. He couldn't breath, he couldn't hear his boyfriend's voice talking to him, he couldn't do anything besides panic and cry. </p><p>He knew Michael was waiting for an answer from him but he just couldn't. He couldn't do anything. He couldn't stop the panic running through him. </p><p>Calum fell to the floor, continuously pulling on his hair. Trying to see if the pain would ground him, it wasn't working. His insecurities were pouring into his brain, how he was unworthy of the love he got from Michael and the band. That he was a shitty bassist, and no one had the heart to tell him he was. His brain kept saying how no one actually loves him, they're just being nice to him. He was going to be alone once Michael saw him like this, that Michael was going to break up with him and get the band to throw him out. He was fucked. </p><p>"Cal, dear, are you alright?" Michael asked, knocking on the door, "You stopped responding to what I was saying and I just wanna know if you're ok." </p><p>Calum took a raspy breath in, he was still panicking but he couldn't let Michael see him. But he couldn't speak. He just kept overthinking everything. </p><p>"Babe, I'm gonna come in. Cover up your dick," Michael said, opening the door.  Once he opened the door, he saw Calum on the floor sobbing.</p><p>Calum just looked at him, his face broken and in pain. He didn't want Michael to see him like this. This would be the end of them, he started breathing harder, unable to calm down. He looked down at the floor, still pulling at his hair. </p><p>"Can I touch you?" Michael asked, getting onto the floor across from him. Calum just kept looking at the ground, he didn't want to look at him. "Cal. look at me, can I touch you?" </p><p>Calum nodded, still unable to speak in the panic. Michael moved slowly, grabbing Calum's hands from his hair, stopping him from hurting himself even more. </p><p>"Ok, follow my breathing dear," Michael put his hands on his chest. "In four, hold 7 and then out 8. Come on babe, you can do it." </p><p>Calum slowly got the hang of the breathing. Letting his hands stay on Michael's chest to keep himself grounded, feeling his boyfriend's calm breathing begin to help him come down from the panic and fear. </p><p>Finally Calum moved his hands away from Michael's chest. He brought his legs up to his chest, looking down. </p><p>"I'm sorry Mike, we're gonna be late now." Calum said, curling up even more. He had to have gone and fucked up their plans. Grabbing at his arms, he started to lightly scratch them. "I'm sorry you had to help me instead of getting ready." </p><p>"Calum, you don't have to be sorry, it happens." Michael moved closer, stretching his legs out to touch Calum's, "Do you want to tell me why it happened?" </p><p>"Its a stupid reason, I'm sorry that you had to calm me down over something so stupid. I understand if you want to go meet with Luke and Ash still." Calum said, scratch his arms a little harder. His next words came out as a whisper, "I- I'll also understand if you don't want to deal with me anymore." </p><p>"Why would I not want to 'deal with you'? I love you Calum, I've loved you since we were teens, one little panic attack won't stop that." Michael moved even closer, sitting right in front of him, "You aren't determined by something like this, and if we were, I'd be long gone. Now, do you want to share what caused this?" </p><p>Calum just kept staring at his knees, scratching at his arms. He knew why he panicked was stupid, and he knows Michael will laugh at him for it. </p><p>Suddenly he felt his hands being removed from his arms. He looked up at Michael, who was looking back at him making him feel safe. He could share this. </p><p>"My curls are stupid and ugly. I don't look good and were going to a nice place so people would look put together and I would stand out like a sore thumb compared to you. So I started panicking, and I couldn't stop." Calum shared, breath quicking again, "I just started spiraling and I couldn't stop. I'm sorry." </p><p>Michael rubbed his arms, letting Calum come back down to earth again. He had to decompress from what he had shared, waiting for Michael to speak. </p><p>"Ok, I'll call Ash and tell him we should do the meeting at their house or our house, no one will see you." Michael started, still rubbing his arms. Still making him stable. "And after that, we should start looking into what we can do for your hair. Cutting it or finding products that actually work and not what the others offer you. After all of that, we're gonna talk about these self confidence issues." </p><p>"I don't want you to change our plans over this. It's already bad enough I panicked and freaked out." Calum said, moving his knees down, "Please just you go to the thing with the boys, I'll be fine." </p><p>Michael just shook his head and grabbed his phone from his pocket, immediately typing a message to the other guys. Changing the plans to what Calum and him had spoken about. </p><p>"They'll be here in 25, they're gonna pick up something for us to eat while we have a meeting." Michael said, pocketing his phone. He wrapped his arms around Calum, "I love you so much, so do they. They both understand hard days, ok?" </p><p>Calum nodded, letting Michael know he knows they love him. He believes them, but sometimes it's hard. But he can believe them. When he is wrapped up in Michael's arms, the world doesn't seem so bad. </p><p>"Alright dear, let's get you into a shower. It will help you feel better." Michael said, getting up from the floor. "So up and at 'em." </p><p>"Oh please this is all a ruse to see me naked," Calum jokes, getting himself up from the floor. The beanie that started this, abandoned on the floor. </p><p>"Yes, you have a panic attack in our closet was totally a plan to see you naked. I'm so smart." Michael dead panned. </p><p>Calum laughed at him, hoping that what he and Michael would happen and maybe he would start to love the mop of curls on his head.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sooner or later I'll have all 4 boys done and hurt, I love them dearly I swear.</p><p>If you liked this, please let me know. Thank you!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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